2017 Chattajack Registration Time is Near!

May 1 is D-Day. At the stroke of midnight, registration for a coveted spot in the lineup of the  “Inland Molokai to Oahu” race down the Tennessee River Gorge opens. Last year it was sold out in record time.

That’s just   TWO days away!!!!

Deep yoga breaths, everyone. Deep yoga breaths.

We here at Mullet Central are here to help. Tips for making it through the registration process smoothly, without creating an ulcer or bursting an aneurism are just a scroll away.

Step One – Relax

May 1 is on Monday. Consider calling in sick.  That will relieve some pressure, since you’re going to be up half the night anyway. You’ll feel better knowing you can go to bed after the registration process and dream of Hales Bar Dam not getting any closer if you know you can sleep in. Chances are, having just committed to paddling 32 miles in flatwater with the real possibility of bad headwinds has made you sick anyway. So, you’re not faking.

On Sunday, pamper yourself. Go for an easy paddle, or a bike ride, maybe take a yoga class or get a massage. Just don’t go too far. You don’t want to be so relaxed you fall asleep and miss your 11:55 pm alarm.

Step Two – Get your ducks in a row

Have your form of payment, plus a back up ready. Decide now what class you are racing in, what size tee shirt you want, have all your vitals handy and nearby so you do not have to scramble when filling out the online registration form.

There is a new registration process for tandems and teams….review it thoroughly.

Read the rules and info on the Chattajack website. Be informed. Memorize it.

Step Three – Set the Alarm

Maybe set several. You don’t want to miss it. And while you’re at it, set the coffee pot on a timer and have some java brewed and ready when you get up. You want to be clear headed and alert, lest you accidentally enter yourself in the Unlimited Prone category.

Don’t want to get up just before midnight? No worries.

Step Three Alternative: Go to Maui for the downwind races – the time difference is six hours behind there. Then you register at 6:00 pm Hawaii Pacific Time. Set a notification though. Just in cases. You’ll need to be well off Maliko and done with your poke bowl at the food truck court before you register.

Step Four – Check your wi-fi

Make sure your internet connection is solid and working. Have a backup plan in case it’s not – like a wifi hot spot, or ask your neighbor for his or her password in case you have to log in to their wifi connection to get through. Maybe give a trusted paddler friend your registration info in the event you cannot get through and have her register for you.

Secure all extraneous devices that might put a strain on your signal – confiscate tablets, phones and X-Boxes from the kids and shut off Alexa and Okay Google until after your registration has been confirmed.

If you have any doubt, buy the most expensive, powerful wi fi router you can find and install it this weekend.

Step Five – Create a Safe Room

This is the physical locale where you will actually register. Make sure there is a lock on the door and it is sound proof. Consider posting a guard dog or cat outside to keep people from interrupting you. You want zero distractions during the data entry process. Wear noise cancelling headphones. Listen to the kind of Jazz guitar music that will make you think of race director Ben Friberg. Harry Stiles/One Direction music is a good second choice.

Send your family away…tell them to go catch the midnight showing of Rocky Horror at the local art house theater. Or give them all Benedryl before they go to bed so they will sleep through the process.

Step Six – Volunteer and be proactive for next year

Volunteers at CJ usually get to pre-register early. Just sayin’. Take the pressure off for next year.

Step Seven – Post Registration Freak out

Once you have received official confirmation you are in, then and only then begin your ChattaPanic. Obsess about the number of days left to train, how fast you will have to paddle to make the ten mile cut off time and how fast you don’t have to paddle if you get a 20 mph push from the dam release above ‘Nooga and the resulting current. Sign up for a Paddle Monster subscription  (the official coaches of CJ 2017) and spend the rest of the night reading ALL of Larry Cain’s blog posts and training plans. Clean your race board. Inspect your paddle. Order a new pair of Virus Biocereamic tights. Go do intervals.

You get the picture.